Reflection + Motivation

I've been thinking a lot lately, and I just wanna use this post to reflect and sort out my thoughts. I always feel determined to do something about my current situation. I vow that from tomorrow on, I will not ever step into that corner bakery again. Or, I vow that I will never purchase my trigger foods (chocolate, cookies, chips, bread, pastries, etc...) in bulk or in anything that comes in more than a single serving. Frankly, I just don't trust myself with large quantities of yummy food. That's a whole other topic, though. So I vow time and time again to stay away from the bad carbs and processed foods, to eat "clean," to work out at least an hour and a half five times a week. I stock up on fresh veggies (eggplant, squash, mushrooms, etc...). I stock up on other staples that would help me work towards my goal, such as skim milk, eggs, plain yogurt, low-fat cheese..... You get the point. I prepare for this big mission that I'm determined to accomplish, this life that I am determined to live, this "clean," "good for me" lifestyle, and then the next day rolls around. And breakfast I'm okay with. Breakfast is pretty much always gonna be some type of high fiber cereal with skim milk and coffee. Not too much room to mess up there. Lunch is another story. And dinner, again, another story. Lunch rolls around, and instead of that healthy tuna salad I prepared last night, I want something warm and substantial to fill my tummy. Dinner rolls around, and I don't wanna make myself a low-carb omelet with fresh veggies anymore. First of all, I simply don't wanna cook when I get home, and second, the squash just doesn't seem so appealing after all.

I spend so much time reading other weight-loss and diet blogs for motivation, and I AM motivated. And I'm envious of these successful bloggers who have already succeeded in losing those 20, 30, 40, 50 pounds or more. Yeah, they're still struggling and living from choice to choice everyday, but they've already gotten somewhere. They've already made some type of progress. They apparently have some type of motivation and adequate support coming from somewhere. Meanwhile, I'm sitting at my computer, drooling over the photos of healthy meals that these bloggers have managed to cook up. I drool over these photos and endure sharp pangs of "hunger," I wanna call it, although I know it isn't, really. And I vow to myself again that as long as I'm determined enough, I, too, can make it. I can make it, and oh yes indeed will I do it. I've lost ten pounds before, and I can do it again, I tell myself. There's nothing wrong with me.....

But after each relapse I fall further into self-doubt. Is something wrong with me? Is this some type of emotional issue, mental issue, health issue that I've been unaware of? Has this really gotten too out of hand for me to handle on my own, without outside help? Or do I just suck so much at being disciplined? Right now, I choose to believe the latter, that as long as I really want it badly and I work hard at it and fight all the temptations (no matter how hard), and not take it too easy, and monitor my food intake instead of justifying it or comparing how much I eat with other, "normal" people (which, then, in turn, makes it seem as though I am in fact not eating as much as I thought I was--for hey, if THEY can eat that much and stay thin, why can't I just eat exactly like them and not gain weight?), then I will 100%, without a doubt, lose weight and succeed. The problem is that I need to keep in mind all the motivating factors, because sometimes, the slice of cake sitting in front of me will be all I see, and not the big picture.

I need to ask myself more, Is this how you wanna spend your 20's? You wanna spend your 20's in only jeans and loose-fit shirts? You wanna spend your 20's feeling afraid and ashamed to meet up with loved ones? You wanna spend your 20's feeling self-conscious and stressed out all the time? You wanna spend your 20's feeling as though you need to prove your worth to others? You wanna spend your 20's doubting yourself and your inner strength? You wanna spend your 20's turning down such great opportunities and holding yourself back from growth? No, I don't think so. I am determined. I. Am. Determined... not to spend the rest of my 20's, and in fact, the rest of my life, this way. I wanna be happy. I wanna be happy with myself. I owe it to myself, my life here, to get healthy and get past this weight issue.