Fresh Beginnings

Well, well, well.

Today was not a bad day at all, although in the beginning I woke up with an anxious mind. I was anxious about telling my grandparents that I wouldn't be visiting for the holidays. I know they were really eager to see me and were expecting me to come. I hated the fact that my morning phone call was going to bring them disappointing news. I know that technically I could make it. If I really wanted to, I could make it in time for the holidays. Who couldn't? But "luckily" (and shamefully and pathetically) I had an excuse not to go--I had already planned on going on a trip with my aunt-in-law. Which is the truth, although the trip, I believe, will take place after the holidays.

So why even deal with this huge guilt trip? Why not just go and see them darn it? Here's the answer... As I mentioned in a previous post, I feel anxious and self-conscious about meeting my relatives. I know they will be judging me, judging my appearance, judging the clothing I chose to wear that day, how much weight I've lost or gained, whether I've been taking good care of myself (physically, that is). And I despise it and fear it and hate that I fear it so much.

Honestly, I know that this isn't what anyone wants to read or believe in this age of such conscious, responsible, positive thinking, and perhaps I know that it isn't really the answer, but sometimes.....sometimes, I honestly, to the core of my gut, feel that most if not all of my life problems and issues would be solved if I lost this weight. I mean, why wouldn't I feel that way? Losing weight --> looking great --> feeling proud + confident, THUS everything in life falls into place, although of course not perfect, but still, much much much easier. Let's see -- I don't think I'd have to stress about what to wear as much, for starters...

Okay, I digress. Now that I've gotten that off my chest, let me record here how my day went. So I made the dreaded phone call to my grandparents, gently explained to them why I wouldn't be able to make it this weekend and promised them to absolutely visit next weekend. (I am hoping to lose a "drastic" amount of weight by then, or at least look "presentable.") Okay. So Dreaded Task #1 done. But I still had my parents to worry about. Right now, they're living pretty far away, so we call each other several times a week to see what's up. And I know my mother would be disappointed as well that I postponed seeing the grandparents. But there's a huge time difference between where I'm residing at the moment and where my parents are living. So I had to wait till the evening to do Dreaded Task #2 and call them and let them know about my plans to visit the grandparents next weekend, after the big holiday.

But anyway, I didn't wanna stay home all day and feel loneliness and emptiness and isolation and stuff myself silly with food that I don't even wanna eat, so I decided to make some plans and meet up with a student to treat him to a late birthday lunch. As I had anticipated, he was free, so we decided on 1:30 p.m. At the time we made the plans, it was around 11 a.m., so that gave me time to fit in a workout. (I chose to do "Crunch Burn & Firm Pilates" w/ Ellen Barrett.)

Okay, so worked out, got ready to go out, ate some pho noodles + half a summer roll, and stopped by the grocery store to get some things and thangs before coming home. I ended up getting some unsweetened cocoa powder (as I have had immense cravings for something really rich), a 200-calorie tub of caramel popcorn, a small head of broccoli, a can of chicken stock, a jar of mixed fruit in syrup (not the best choice, I know), and a bag of mixed nuts that is unbelievably, unnecessarily salty! Oh, and a loaf of omega grain bread to sustain me throughout the week and maybe even all throughout next week. And I also had a craving for something creamy, and I felt that nothing but ice cream would satisfy this yearning. So I bought myself a strawberry cream popsicle. One serving, not bad. At least I prevented myself from providing an opportunity to binge, by NOT buying bars of chocolate and instead sticking to the cocoa powder, and NOT buying a tub of ice cream. Oh, and I also refrained from buying ANY other types of pastries when buying the loaf of bread. So I did myself a huge favor. *Giving myself a big pat on the back for that.*

When I came home, I watched some "Friends" episodes on DVD while of course eating the popsicle and drinking some hot cocoa. And for some reason I still felt like I needed to munch on something, so I tried a couple handful of the mixed nuts, which are way too salty (but I'll figure something out about using them), and, yep, you guessed it--the tub of popcorn. I polished it all off. Then I felt drowsy so I took about an hour nap and felt extremely nasty and bloated when I woke up. I think maybe the pho broth might have been too salty, or maybe it was the mixed nuts. But of course exercise always comes to the rescue! So I did Leslie Sansone's "Walk Away the Pounds" (3 miles with 2.2 lb. weights). And of course that did it. Afterward and during, I had sweat pouring down my face and neck, but boy did it feel good. I did the usual thing I do after workouts, which is to clip my bangs back, take out my contacts, erase my eye makeup, and wash my face clean. And now I am sitting here with my cup of water and updating this blog.

Oh, I forgot to mention that before exercising I called my mother and got Dreaded Task #2 over with. And now I have a HUGE load off my chest. All I gotta do is do my part. I'll eat healthy, portion-controlled meals, although I won't really be counting calories, because I can get really anal with that. I'll track my weight and aim to exercise for at least 1 hour and 30 minutes a day. We'll see how things went by the end of this week...

Before I sign out, WHY WHY WHY does the aroma of garlicky, greasy, and therefore probably really yummy fried chicken have to waft through my window screen at this hour? Damn, I wish I could eat right now... If it were a dream world, I'd be ordering some chicken and pizza right now, yes, at this time of day, eating as much as I want, and not worrying about gaining a single pound or waking up with a bloated everything. Ah, just writing about my desire is a bit satisfying.