Ah, My Last Resort

This is sort of my last resort.

I've tried livestrong.com. It's a great site, but just so time-consuming and kinda panic-inducing to find the food and track the calories and track the exercise (calories burned). I've been following sites like ronisweigh.com + sarahfit.com + fitsugar.com to keep me inspired and motivated. I've been keeping a twitter account to track all my food intake. I've been recording my daily exercise in a private journal.

It's a small green Mead memo that I've been tracking my daily exercise in since June 2007. In the back, I record good things that happened throughout the day, things/moments to be grateful for. For instance, I'll record if someone complimented me or if I felt good about something I accomplished. I think I have been pretty good with the exercising. By "good" I mean I've been quite consistent with it. Not a perfect record, but at least I never quit. I wanna go by the rule of thumb to never skip more than two days of working out. I find that it IS indeed more difficult to get back into the groove once that evil guilt-inducer of skipping workouts two days in a row has been committed.

Anyway, I digress. So I've tried and am still trying all sorts of things to fight this battle that I was born to fight. When did my eating or view of food get out of hand? When did eating become more important than meeting up with friends? When did I first begin to have self-image issues, insecurities about myself that never seem to go away? I do not refer to only insecurities about my body, but also my entire being, my character, my personality, my habits, my values..... Who am I? Why do I not love myself? Like, really, truly love myself and respect myself and trust myself? When did I begin to second, triple-guess my instincts? It's been a while, I think. I don't wanna place the blame on any one thing or person. It was a variety of factors.

A huge factor was my mother's open criticism about my chubby body that didn't permit me to dress the way she wanted me to (feminine and cute and fashionable). It is my family's lurking monitoring of my current status. "Have you gained weight?" Or on a good streak, "Wow! Looking good!" "Your face has thinned out a little, your arms look thinner..." Why the hell do I need to prove to anyone, especially my family, the people I am supposed to feel the most comfortable and accepted with, my worth? Why do I need to feel shame whenever meeting them? Why do I need to feel anxious about seeing them? I shouldn't have to feel this way. But I can't control or change anyone else. Plus, the damage has been done anyway--it's not like they can take back the comments they've made or looks they've given me, or that I can erase all these terrifying memories. The only thing I can do is to change myself. I need to love myself. I need to lose the weight. Not for anyone else, but because losing the weight will be the first step to rebuilding my confidence. Not only that, but I am frustrated about having to try on so many outfits before leaving the house in order to determine which shirt "flatters," "slims down," "conceals the (I will write this ugly, insensitive, asshole of a word, but I won't own it and call it mine) F to the A, f-ing T."

After having followed other blogs about others' struggles with weight loss and distorted thinking and overeating issues, it's time for me to step up to the plate. I need to do this for myself, anonymously. So that I don't censor myself. So that I can be honest with others, with myself. So that I can finally vent my frustrations candidly. I am seeking solace in the blogging world, perhaps to fill the emptiness that I feel. And I will try with my absolute most not to censor myself or to package myself to "gain the nod of approval or respect" of other bloggers. I've got a need to be brutally honest with myself, not care about appearances too much, record all the ugly but honest feelings I feel, experiences I experience, number of calories I consume, thoughts I think. So, here goes.....

By the way, I'm not planning on stopping from using all the other tools I've mentioned, like the blogs and food tracking and such. I'm just planning on using this blog to be a bit more real.