Milking It For All It's Worth

I've shamefully and regretfully (although optimistically) begun an entry in this manner many times before, but it has been a while since I last updated. And maybe the reason why I so hesitated to update this blog, besides "not feeling like doing it at the particular moment," was because I was afraid of failing. Yet again. And disappointing not only potential followers, but also myself. Yes, I have yet again been afraid of failing, and therefore I wasted a good portion of this year "not caring."

I didn't care how many calories I was consuming; I didn't want to know. There was also of course that "all or nothing" mentality that's never really a good thing to have, since perfection is not attainable. And, I have to be even more honest--I just didn't "feel like" putting in the work necessary for losing weight. I didn't "feel like" counting calories, or working out daily, or weighing myself daily, or keeping a food journal. Let's face it, I can also try blame the cold weather for both my lack of enthusiasm and my need to stay warm and cozy.

RESTLESSNESS

In addition, my recent sudden desire to lose weight didn't derive from some profound realization that I am indeed worth it, or anything heartfelt like that. Or perhaps it did derive from something deep, but it was not some life-changing event that led me to my decision. It was a culmination of situations and feelings that have been building up something within me.

First of all, the weather simply got a LOT warmer, at a very abrupt pace, and as I was walking around in the city with my black yoga pants and light jacket on, seeing fellow city dwellers rocking tank tops and breezy long skirts, I felt restless.

There were also those "looks" that I received from the people around me, from people at church, close friends, parents' friends..... I knew what the looks were about. I wasn't imagining them. The looks that expressed so many unsaid emotions: surprise, pity, maybe even some disgust, but mostly surprise. Surprise that I've "let myself go" this far. I've always been plump, what some would describe as "pleasantly plump," but I know that on my short frame, 5 or more pounds really makes a big difference. And indeed my plumpness was pleasant to the eye no more. And this added to my restlessness. 

I'm so much better than this. I deserve so much better than this. Yes, it's out of pride and self-esteem that I've decided that I'm going to lose this weight once and for all. Don't I deserve the right, the freedom, to dress in breezy skirts and cute, figure-hugging tops? Don't I deserve to live a day free from worrying about "how fat or bearably plump" I look? Why am I letting others label me as something other than what I can be and truly want to be? I have the choice. And I'm not going to waste my life any longer. I'm going to milk it for all it's worth.

PROGRESS THUS FAR

Since I made the decision to get serious about losing weight and feeling good, I've lost 5 pounds. I'm sure some of it could be water weight, as I began this process and first weighed myself during my period. However, I've tracked my calories for almost 2 weeks straight, recorded my daily exercise, AND even have recorded my daily weight! I am on a roll. I'll be back to report more of my progress.