So, Christmas has come and gone with absolutely no snow. No "White Christmas" this year! :( I must admit here, again, that I absolutely have not been tracking my food or even really caring what and/or how much of I've been eating. On top of that, I haven't been exercising, either. I have no urge to "dress up" or even to wear jeans and heels, for that matter. I feel unattractive and unhealthy.

(I apologize for being such a downer here, but I'm just getting the truth off my chest; I simply use this blog as a means of expression.) For months, I have been jobless, suffering from insecurities and lack of motivation. In trying to figure out what exactly it is that could motivate me NOW, I refer back to my very first success with weight loss. Several years ago, when I first truly lost weight, it was summer time. I was irritated by my circumstances. I was irritated with people. I was moved by an episode of "The Biggest Loser." I needed an outlet. I was offended by comments that several family members had made about my lack of confidence in my body. I wanted to show them who is boss, show them who is a hottie. I wanted revenge. It was hot outside. I used my basement as an area to avoid people, to escape from it all with exercise. I sweated it out. I was determined, and I needed some type of escape from it all. Therefore, I exercised for 2 hours each day, everyday. I counted calories, making sure to keep within the standard 1200 daily limit. I invested in nice tasting bottled zero calorie flavored water. It worked. In 3 weeks, I had lost about 10 pounds. It was "only" 10 pounds, but those pounds made a big difference on my short frame. I was receiving compliments and positive attention from everyone around me. I was happy. I was busy. I was student teaching at a nearby junior high school.

Then, I started to relax. Count calories less. Still strict with my exercise. After several months teaching part-time at two different schools, I decided to take up a great opportunity and teach English abroad for a year. While living in a different country, far from family and close friends, I was lonely. Too lonely. Don't get me wrong--of course, at first, I was busy. I didn't have time to overeat. A year flew by. Then another year spent essentially alone away from my family. I started to binge. I still exercised, but I always overate. I gained, but managed to not gain too much by continuously exercising.

Now, I'm back in the States. Steadily losing confidence in myself. Steadily losing all motivation to watch what I eat. Hurt by fruitless relationships. It's cold outside. Not cold for winter standards, but nevertheless cold. I want to stay under the covers all day. When I feel hunger pangs, I come downstairs and fix myself something to eat. Then back in bed. Sometimes I sit up in bed and eat it, and then lie down again. It's getting bad. I shower because otherwise, my appearance and behavior and overall lack of zeal for life will alarm my parents. I buy things because it gives me temporary satisfaction. Not that I have money to buy these things, and not that I spend extravagantly. However, I do think that I spend more than I need to, especially on food.

While watching "The Dr. Oz Show" in bed today, I vowed that I'd get back on the losing weight wagon. The show was about ways to blast belly fat. I want to eat healthily, but I don't want to forgo the delicious foods, either. And it's cold. I want to stay wrapped up and warm. I was going to exercise today, but now it's close to 10 o'clock in the evening, and I obviously won't do it today. Hopefully I'll do it tomorrow.